why must I feel this way,
stuck in some gray part of my mind.
feeling so dark when I am alone.
never sinking all the way,
but going deeper each time,
fearing that this is it;
this is the one time when I won’t
be able to make it up that steep
hill into the sunshine.
and now, even when I reach it,
there is still an ever growing shadow
towering over me and blocking the sun.
I enjoy it less and less
each time I sink and come back again,
not able to feel completely happy.
I see now an even steeper climb than before,
and knowing that before I reach the top
I will fall again,
hardly makes the climb seem worth while.

3/3/98