when will the pain end? when will it all stop?
constantly pulled in two directions at once, one rational, one irrational
the irrational part is clouded with anger and sadness,
a sometimes deadly mixture, and it wants me to release the clouds
  in the only way it sees fit
if I go this way I’ll fall forever till it’s too much to handle
  and it crushes me under a flash of metal.
the rational part is reality, hard to face, but the place I should be
the part that knows the other is wrong and distorted,
that it is a bottomless pit
sometimes it is peaceful, the tugging can not be felt,
at other times the wrong part pulls harder and I fear I’ll be torn in two
the only reason I have not given in is two words: I promise.
this is the band holding me together, and it is unbreakable
the strength of these words isn’t always understood, but when the pulling begins
  the strength seems like a curse
but because of them I can not give in, I will not give in
only struggle till a moment of peace comes.

5/12/98